ramblings

too late to stop got my heart in a headlock....

I don't believe any of this.

it is a beautiful day.

it is.

it is pouring like crazy, it smells like rain.

it sounds like music.

It feels so good.

a little humid-but that's nothing.

i'm alive.

it's everything.

so i'm single.

they say I should be playing the field.

but i don't want to-hmmmm.

i just want to be in love, and cuddle, and write music, and play music,
and travel, and cuddle and love.

pathetic.

part of me wonders what it would feel like to go out and casually date people...

hmmmmmmm.

who knows what tomorrow will bring-
or tonight for that matter.

I do have these new jeans.

Well, there's been so much happening...i'm sad I haven't written about it.

Because with a memory like mine-it's good that I can look back and remember again
what I've done.

I leave in two days for NYC shows, and then I leave NYC for London man.

Can you believe it?

summary of the past 5 months....

Let's see.


Hawaii.
Forest.
Ghetto.
NYC.
London.
Amsterdam.
Paris...

Pretty good for a poor starving carless musician.

I truly believe that I have done So much good in my life,
that thus-

these truly good things come back at me...

Thus-was going to title my new CD Ten Fold...Cause that's what happens...
Comes at you Ten Fold.


next time I'll be writing by the River Thames.

The only thing....the only thing that gets me good about the whole thing....
Is that my friend Brian. My friend who first told me to go to London...

He's been living there-

I'm thinking the only way he would know is if he reads this...

Brian-

Earth to Brian.

I'm coming to London town dear friend....

You are there, and I can not find you anywhere.

What to do what to do.

it's killing me.

If you happen to get this-
If you happen to read this...

Meet me in West London-on Saturday March 18th

9pm....

i'll look for you in the corner.

January 4, 2006

Well, It has been some time indeed. The holidays, and being in the woods. There was no mall shopping for me.
I’m poor.
I bought everything that I gave to people at Reaks country stand. Honey products. Lotion, balm, Honey, Honey and more Honey. And an early gift of my CD. It isn’t finished…real close.

It was a holiday edition.

I’m running out of wood. Well, I’m in the forest, so it’s hard to really really run out of wood. The kind that burns for a good hour at least…I’m running out of that.

The dogs have been keeping me up at night-barking at the coy dogs, the wild coyotes.

They sound like screaming witches.

The dreams.

I haven’t written about my dreams lately.
Strange too.

The last very real dream I had that I wanted to write down…happened around two weeks ago.

I was in school again.

I was in class with my brother. I didn’t know what class we were in and I didn’t have my books on me-

“unprepared”.

Well-that’s the way it was in school back in the day.
Always unprepared.

The dream moves on to this very strange place where
My grandfather is getting ready to go to this island-
Paradise Island. And without my grandma!
I was shocked. But hey it was just a dream.

Then my father shows me his new CD that he’s releasing. Telling us that he’s going to the island with grandpa to tour, sell his CD etc. Island music.
The CD itself was very clear to me in my dream. I read the credits. There were thanks to my brother, and to me, and a picture of my mother there.

In the dream, I felt the sheer terror of what it would be like if my father left my mother. He was leaving all of us behind. For his career. Makes me think that is what my daughter thinks of me.

Well, next spot in the dream….It’s as if I’m looking from above at my father and another man in the ocean hugging. My dad is gay. In the dream.

Okay, I say, well, that makes sense then, but it was weird.

Then out of no where almost my brother is crying saying that Grandpa died.

I was so sad. I was so sad for my grandmother. They have been together for over 60 years.

And in real life-he is dying. Shit-we are ALL dying.

Everyday I come closer and closer to the last day of my life here on earth in this body.

Back to my dream….well-I guess it was over at that point.

I woke up quite sad, and confused. Why was my dad gay in the dream I asked myself. Hee hee.

The phone rang…it was mother.

She called to say good morning. I told her my dream, she said-“oh sissy…what a horrible dream”. I didn’t tell her dad was gay. ☺

She just remarked on grandpa dying.

My mother called me 3 hours later, and said…
“I don’t want you to worry”.
So I worried.
“But Grandpa is on his way to the hospital”…
He almost died.

Whoa. I started crying, realizing that something happened-and I dreamt it before it did.

He went out to shovel a path, and ended up lying down behind the shed. An hour went by and my grandma thought he must have gone to the neighbors house. She started calling and no one knew where he was. He has Alzheimers-we’re sure of it, but my grandma won’t talk about it.

He will tell the same story over and over again.

We visited them on Christmas eve-they are very religious.

My family is just very spiritual.
He looked well, except his hands, scabs where the bloody sores were from falling, and pulling himself up.

He laid in the snow for over an hour. He almost had hypothermia, he was an hour late for his diabetes shot.

He almost died.

I will be so sad.

New Years Eve.

Well, being in the forest 3 miles deep, and the only way someone is visiting me is by hiking…

I really didn’t think I would have any guests…But go figure, around 10pm they started arriving by foot through the forest-

Earlier-I met Jones out on the road first. He hiked in with his guitar, and snerfer. I will show pictures somewhere.

Quite funny.

We had a great time. As soon as I knew there were people coming I went crazy decorating, lights, hand made New Years signs etc…
9 folks

Mike Barletta (artist, photographer)
Courtney Rile (Courtney made my video, Mike took the picture on my CD cover)
Dorothy Wilcox (farmer poet)
Mike Mammrosh (did my Website)
Brian Botwell (artist/poet)
His girlfriend Jessica-not sure what she does….she sat on the couch all night I think…she didn’t feel well.
Jeff Jones (professional musician)
Jake Roberts (Love light, artist, visionary)




7 dogs

Kayne (mama)
Bigbie (big son)
Koda (tan bear son)
Wolfie (sweet daughter , Bigbies twin sister)
Onka (shorthair daughter)
Bella(shorthair daughter)
And let’s not forget The Vinkus-
Loopy…

No it’s real name escapes me…
But it bit Jeff Ah-

Lukin (crazy calico bad dog that bit me, jeff jones, and brian botwell)

I got a phone call yesterday. Mammy said that Lukin wouldn’t get out of the car, and didn’t’ notice that he has a huge hole, the size of his thumb.
There was a dog fight and brian got in to break things up…that is when the dog bit his hand.

Bad dog. Well, they say Mikes dog has a %75 chance of living. Dog Karma.

We lit fireworks out in the middle of the wintery woods, but there was a clearing – we were safe…

It’s not all we lit.

I passed a tray around, and passed the peace pipe.

It was indeed one of the best-if not the very best…New Years ever.

The sun is coming up. It’s 7:59am. Up over the trees. It’s burning me.
It’s about 30 degrees outside. I have a 500 degree fire burning in the house.
I couldn’t sleep. I was outside checking the water pump @ 5:30am.
I had to leave candles burning in there last night because the night before at 7pm-
The water just stopped working.
I went to the pump house to check the temp. inside.
It wasn’t too warm in there.
Just about 32 degrees.
Tims said it had to have gotten colder in there the night before.
I had made sure that the water was left running. He said that was all I had to do.
I checked the pressure gauges. I checked the battery.
I went back to the house. Grabbed 3 candles, and gas for the generator to charge the batteries.
After lighting the candles…
I couldn’t get the generator started at all.
Tried again at 5:30 this morning too.
I have approx 2 gallons of water left. I think it’s the 18th of Dec.
Wow. First year ever I havn’t done one single thing for Christmas.
I haven’t even boughten anything for my daughter.
I left my friend with my debit card though and will give him instructions on what to buy my daughter.
I feel very bad that I don’t spend as much time with her as I should. On top of that I have my parents telling me all the time that I don’t. and she hears them say that to me, and then she thinks….yes-my mother doesn’t spend enough time with me….
She’s trying to figure out if she is still a singer/songwriter, or if she should just get a job like other people do.
Well, it’s been some time now.
I have songs to work on, and I could be trying for a major record deal, but I haven’t yet.
I’m working on the package.
I am working on the music.
I’m working on my life.

I think.

Okay-
God. Where do I start.

The way it felt.

I could tell in my dream...that things weren't right.

I would be somewhere, and there would be an offer for me to hang out with someone...then there would be an object with a word on it and the word was upside down.

If it were a scary movie, in that moment the scary music would come on.

In my brain it very well may have been playing...cause I was very scared.

and then the terror would start to happen.

I would be engaging in conversation with them, and could tell they were turning into a demon or something..I could feel it.

Every where I would go-it followed me.

Some sort of curse.

There were clues of it happening in the moment....the upside down word...
The feeling in my gut...
Other indicators that i can not remember anymore...ugh.

So I would continue to get away evertime...

The demons wanted me to kill them, but I didn't want to commit murder...

In the end.

I found a tape, and I played it....a Video Tape.

It played backwards....

It started out with my face....and as it zoomed out you could see a dead body next to me, and then another, and another...

And as it zoomed out more

there was a bed full of deadness.

Well.

I'm going to try and eat some breakfast now.

I have to hike into the woods.

Squalls are on the way!

Snow Squall.

Strange word.

Strange world.

But first....I'm going to chase the cat around the house.

He's too fat. and this is his only exersise.

I'm at my ma's house. spent the night here....I had a gig with my dad last night.

bye.

Well,

The boat.

Written on the spot. I opened up my journal. Looked at my friend steve...He scrolled through some sounds on his Korg Triton, and started playing a melody,
I looked up at him, he pushed record.

I started singing, something I've never sang before...

And we recorded it.

And you are listening to it now.

well...that is if you were me.

:)

It was about the first boy I loved. His name is Chad Abbey. He lives in Sweden now. Figures huh.

Well, anyhow. The connection I felt to him was, is and will be forever. That jerk. I called him when I was in Hawaii, (cause I wanted to Brag)
and he hasn't called me back.

That's okay. I"ll just give him this link and he'll feel bad.

:)

anyhow. That's the last smiley face I'm typing on this here computer. so there. i'm smiling and you can't even tell!!!!!!!!

So i loved him.;

He drove me home in his BMW. I remember I lied about where I lived cause I was embarassed at my little poor house.

and I wanted him to love me, and didn't think he would ......

God.

Same year, but before....the movie Pretty in Pink came out...

or at least the first time I saw the movie.

I wasn't allowed to watch a lot of TV. Especially movies where there was a boy...and then a girl,...and they were on the same
screen.

So-needless to say I became a whore.

HAH just kidding.

But I couldn't wait to be alone with Chad and be kissed, and to feel the way I felt then for the first time.

He would take me to his parents boat, and play U2...
and Prince...

I mean...those were the days.

I am wearing my hair like elvis right now.

Wish I had a camera. It's quite the sight.
i think a guest if on their way-
i have to clean house.

bye

(just breathed again...that felt good)

my father went in for some sort of surgery heart attack concern artery check ....

come to find out-they did surgery on a perfectly healthy man.

I was so scared that I couldn't even accept the fact that it's happening. That my dad is getting old, and is going to die.

I mean fine not now but someday sooner
than
later.

I"m less afraid to die myself, than to be left on this earth with out my dad.

I'm not sure I've been this crippled before.

Besides the time my achilees tendon was cut- on accident-when a mirror fell off the wall....
whoa.

that's another journal entry all together.

breathe.

I have close friends that tell me....

Breathe.

Hmmmm. I wonder what they are saying.

i can't hear them...the voices in my head are all talking at once,

and if i keep typing I wonder what will happen
i wonder what I will say.

I wonder what I will remind myself of next.

I mean that is why they;re there right?

To remind me.

To teach me.

To guide me.

To fine me.

I'm listening to my record right now...Honey by the pound.

I love it so much , It's just simple...simply me, and my own little experiences with my
own work into it. Yes, sometimes it's not ready yet-like this one that I'm listening to.

perhaps i'll just let it go with just vocals and piano.

right now there's a beat that I created off the Korg Karma.

I guess it is cheezy. But hey.. I'm a solo singer/songwriter.

I never get to have a beat.

I'm not Joey D.

I have the same loop machine as him.

But I don't know how to use it to the best of my ability no.

Ah....

Just breathed again since last time I said i did.

I'm going to go meditate now.

Can't wait to go back into the woods.

My mother said the Internet is the work of the devil.

I think she is right, but in a different way.

;lasdfja;ls

much love,
ashley